i dont want a job i just want money

1) the challenge is always to want the job because it is something you take ownership of and want to do. simpler way to say this: believe in the work that you do. wondering what i can believe for when i go back to singapore, if i go back.

 2) i've started snapping at myself again because i can't stand the "STAY!!" and "GO BACK!" voices that have been quibbling in my head.

 3) TIM AND ELLIE the subtlest craziest brilliantest people. i get so tickled when i notice the magic they pull off that people take for granted and don't notice. i love it.

4) second fantastic meeting with the 'other side' this week. the first one concluded with a sense of "yes we were both international students before and we both want students to grow beyond just academia". the second ended with a sense of commitment to collaborate and lighten loads for each other.  refreshing break from the stories i listen to. good.

5) dont like being the needy one. how about.. dont like being needy period.

6) talking through things on tuesday at the post-gameshow discussion, i realised how much good there was that we made through the 4 years, but i also realised something quite unhealthy and unhelpful. have to bring it up someday. after we figure out why im the rock and the hard place that he's always stuck in between.

7) taoist, buddhist and christian teachings the same? i wonder what they understand of their gods. so apparently, you pick what rules you wanna follow in buddhism because different people write different scriptures. so. hmm. im confused, this is what my buddhist and taoist friends tell me. "i just pick what i want and which works better. i follow till it get uncomfortable"

8) at the end of the day, i just think people should understand what they are there for and have a direction.

psalm 44

had a similar dream to the one i had on saturday night last night. Reading through yesterday's psalm with sue lee 6 times yesterday really helped me process through it. it reminded me of Job. there was a firm sense of belief and knowledge of what the character of God is like, seen through the generations of forefathers. then a sudden twist to how God seems like the complete opposite of what they've understood God to be. 'this isn't right. we've been faithful, we've followed everything, we've not turned away, this should not be happening! wake up God!' and it takes faith to say that ey.

Albert park

Erica and i had a really thorough, thought-provoking discussion on Job this morning over a simple breakfast in the cutest cafe ever. Its the grass covered cafe at Albert park which i always peep into but have never stepped into because they were always closed when i was around. Albert park always reminds me of jonlee and fish and chips. I wonder where i Will be next year and what i would be doing. I wonder if god Will lead me to another place of growth, stretching and support. I don't want to just take the easy way out and go with the plan ive always had and go withit because i havealways had that plan and not because i am clear about the real reasons for going back. If you stay on Will you regret not going back to Singapore? If u go back Will you regret not staying? actually those are not the right questions.

pet peeve

i think i wrote another post on pet peeves before. here's another one.


i absolutely cannot stand poor customer service, especially if the customer service is provided by anybody connected to me.

here's my type A personality coming out again. you either care for your customers or make sure they can't see or hear you. no customer service is better than poor customer service. so. seriously, if i had my way, i will train you or not hire you. ok train. haha.

how much is your time worth?

a big 4 financial services firm may say that you are worth 3000 a month.
 a ministry arm in the government may say you are worth 3500 a month.
  someone else might tell you that you are worth at least 4000 a month.
what then do you say to the other organizations that offer you a job, and negotiate on pay? how much do you believe you are worth?

if you decide to work full time in starbucks as a counterhand or barista, will you demand for 3300?

 of course it depends on what job you are hired to do.

when i was fresh out of uni, i would go for whatever job that paid decent and had a good brand name. it would always be 'which brand was better?', or 'which one paid better?'. I'll just take whatever pay they give me. i dont know how much im worth anyway because freshgrads are apparently all the same - out from a factory, some kind of university.

but now i've tasted working in an environment where my strengths and likes are matched as closely to my work as possible, i know what it is like to be in my element and be valued for it. there is challenge as well, thus growth. i know this is one of a kind, and there may be no place else like this because it is quite the dream job. people like han cheng wont see it, they wont understand it. the recruiter from the social services organization wont understand it. maybe because they dont know how much i learn, and maybe because they dont value the things i value.

i've never thought about learning anything in construction or architecture. but the thought of going into something so foreign excites me a little. haha. i know that i will be taught well. and i know that i will be mentored well by people around me (not necessarily from the team). maybe being taught well is what attracts me, and knowing that what i'm learning matters to people who matter to me. haha talk about keeping personal away from professional right. i'd like to think that i have a proper sense of that.


 i know the long term goal is to reunite the two seemingly separate entities, and i know that there is a small push for change in that direction. but if i am working for people who are resisting the change, and the change does not happen, meaning that im just there to fill a gap in the current system, one year will pass very quickly and i will finish it with regret. then again, who do i expect to be the agent of change? if i want change so badly, what will i do about it? i'd hate to just sit and whine and not do anything because.. you either whine and act upon it, or suck thumb and make the most out of it.

and so.


three layers of choice making happening here..
it's not just the job.


1) which country will i choose?

2) which people will i choose?

 3) which job will i choose?

and the umbrella question would be.. how do i make a good choice?

ideas? 

beauty

today i saw chris. have you ever looked at someone and seen so much goodness in them that it makes you wanna cry? here is someone who isn't afraid. he tries a multitude of things, explores, learns. i remember him trying different techniques to cut glass. i remember how he decorated his shelf with christmas lights. how he used to have anatomy scribbled and drawn on the glass doors to the balcony. he had a guitar which he operated on, played with the wood finish and all. more than just being interesting, the fearlessness allows him to have the solid, steady sense of focus in the things that he does, like leading a cellgroup. he isn't afraid of not meeting people's expectations. it's almost as though they don't exist to him. But it’s not that he is clueless to the existence of external expectations, it is the insistence on submitting to just that one authority. The boldness that comes from knowing very clearly whose approval he seeks, the purpose, character, and grace that abounds from the authority he chooses to submit to. Here is a man who has grit. The unrelenting strength of being able to still desire truth and knowledge in the field of optometry as he bears the weight of team members who have given up hope of finding any new insight in their area of training. A man who has learnt a bit of how to pray, and continues to press in, to persist in learning how to pray through sleepless nights and excel sheets. A man whose prayers have been fragrant offerings to the Creator. And the Creator reveals himself in science. The Creator responds. He gives His unsuspecting image-bearer a finding that experts have put years into, and thousands of dollars invested in. I’m so proud of you. For your persistence in prayer. You inspire me.

assam milk tea

jumpy and panicky. “Why didn’t you take the job offer?” I can’t answer that. I don’t really really really know why I turned it down. Fuck. Im scared. I better make my last 5 months here count. I wanna give so much. And perhaps my danger is that I’ll run around like a headless chicken if I don’t have a good idea of where I wanna spend my energies on. Going to the youth suicide forum was extremely good for me. I will have to spend a couple of hours processing all that was talked about and how to add value to our work here at Arrow. And expedition events. I enjoyed all the discussions I’ve had with ellie looking though our needs and wants as an organization. Today paul asked me if I’d like to get involved with goodsites. Any other day in any other time of my life I’d jump right into it. but not today and not now because other things need to happen first. Omg. And then this other job offer comes. What the crap. I love it but I hate it. I want to stay but I don’t. why. And I don’t know why. So im jumping all about now just like my thoughts are in my brain. Can’t catch them or make them line up in a coherrent line. People want me back in singapore, but for what im not sure.. just because it’s nice to have me there? Someone wants me back in singapore because he wants me. People want me here because they can see me in a particular role. And other people want me here because they see me in another role. And I want to be here because of the people as well. Yet all my thoughts on married life I imagine myself in singapore. Maybe because I’ve only been able to imagine being together with dong in singapore. i’ve never thought about anything else. Never been quite so open to anywhere else to start a family. Making a choice requires belief. And belief requires courage and clarity. (im making the distinction between making a choice and making a decision – don’t wanna elaborate on the difference here but the short of it is that decisions don’t require belief). And at this point in time, I’m not sure I have either. But I will in awhile. In the mean time…………….. i shall be (okay got distracted meeting under 18 students, and a guitar coach. Love it. now back to product analysis)

element

Tonight, we talked about what our goals for this year were. that led us to the question of finding our passion and finding something to live for. we talked about heroes and living full heartedly. we talked about having the courage to live fullheartedly. we talked about the elisa way. And that got me thinking as well. i can't figure it out. here is a bunch of young people who really don't want me to go because of the various things that i stand for. And im left wonderin - where else can i go to find a job where i am so totally in my element and im.. needed, not just nice to have around. Now i want to remember that where i am now is because of the mentors that God has placed around me whom i don't deserve, the people around me that i debt deserve but have been given to me through toaster. toaster. And these things that i stand for- God has made them clear to me. the energy that i have, i get it from the ability to love - given by my creator. i r emember that all the beautiful things I've repeated today - things i hv learnt from my understanding of God and his purposes for us His creation.