assam milk tea

jumpy and panicky. “Why didn’t you take the job offer?” I can’t answer that. I don’t really really really know why I turned it down. Fuck. Im scared. I better make my last 5 months here count. I wanna give so much. And perhaps my danger is that I’ll run around like a headless chicken if I don’t have a good idea of where I wanna spend my energies on. Going to the youth suicide forum was extremely good for me. I will have to spend a couple of hours processing all that was talked about and how to add value to our work here at Arrow. And expedition events. I enjoyed all the discussions I’ve had with ellie looking though our needs and wants as an organization. Today paul asked me if I’d like to get involved with goodsites. Any other day in any other time of my life I’d jump right into it. but not today and not now because other things need to happen first. Omg. And then this other job offer comes. What the crap. I love it but I hate it. I want to stay but I don’t. why. And I don’t know why. So im jumping all about now just like my thoughts are in my brain. Can’t catch them or make them line up in a coherrent line. People want me back in singapore, but for what im not sure.. just because it’s nice to have me there? Someone wants me back in singapore because he wants me. People want me here because they can see me in a particular role. And other people want me here because they see me in another role. And I want to be here because of the people as well. Yet all my thoughts on married life I imagine myself in singapore. Maybe because I’ve only been able to imagine being together with dong in singapore. i’ve never thought about anything else. Never been quite so open to anywhere else to start a family. Making a choice requires belief. And belief requires courage and clarity. (im making the distinction between making a choice and making a decision – don’t wanna elaborate on the difference here but the short of it is that decisions don’t require belief). And at this point in time, I’m not sure I have either. But I will in awhile. In the mean time…………….. i shall be (okay got distracted meeting under 18 students, and a guitar coach. Love it. now back to product analysis)