quiet friend who never goes away

i think i miss you too.

reading what you wrote and what you continue to write makes me think of how much we've grown since the last time we spoke and.. dude! you just make me feel emo. not a bad thing though. i certainly don't mean it in a bad way.

he pays attention to detail

feeling: HAPPY!!

haha i managed to get a copy of the macroeconomics textbook from the reserve collection which is definitely a miracle! it was the only copy left on the shelf PLUS, it was an OVERNIGHT LOAN!

there is an insanely high demand for this book which has an extremely low supply. you need to be an intro-mac-student-who-doesnt-have-a-textbook to understand how slim your chances are of getting this overnight loan. people actually "camp" near the reserve section so that they can keep checking to see if the overnight loan's available. haha.

before i left home i asked God to let me borrow the book, and i asked for an overnight loan. i think i just managed to get it a split second before this other girl. she was standing in that area, but she was diggin through her bag, so without thinking i just took the book and left. and the thoughts that went through my mind were "wow, God. are you serious??"

guess my point in saying all this is that God is a big guy who pays attention to little things like that. some might say "oh it's just a small thing, just a coincidence", just like how people might have gone "oh that's just a normal star, who cares what it means" to the 3 wise men who followed the star that led them to where Jesus was born.

for them the star was their sign that pointed them to God.
i believe for me, this book (well, not a huge sign or a miraculous miracle BUT) is something that tells me that God cares about the little things that may not seem very big or important to other people but mean something to me.

however, im in no way saying that if you manage to get an overnight loan that's a sign. people see different things differently so God may use different things to show two people the same thing, depending on what they respond to. :)

big little brother

it's funny how ys sees me as a little sister but i see him as a little brother.
and how even though sister has a 'little' in front, he's got high hopes for me,
and even though brother has a 'little' in front, i see him more of a leader than he does himself.

we went for hot chocolate at about 11 today after leaving the library and our conversation lasted so long (even though it didn't feel like it at all) that we had to take it back to the college square lounge where we talked till slightly past 1.

he pointed out that it's perfectly normal and healthy to have questions/quarrels/bumps in a relationship.

stop thinking.

good ideas

i had a good time talking to tim this evening, although it was for about 5 or 10 minutes.
his ideas and perspectives always challenge mine and i learn so much from him.

that is why i can't wait for the sex sexuality and relationships seminar/workshop thing that's coming up next month. today he casually mentioned a one-liner that already got me thinking of homosexuality very differently.

i really like his ideas and what he believes. but those are not who he is. it's just like how you may like my contribution and the other things i do, but im not defined by what i do or the ideas i come up with.

im reminded of March - a book we did for literature last year, where Mr March falls in love with Grace, but there's always this question of whether he's fallen in love with her, or what she stands for and her strength.

by the way, im in no way saying that i don't like tim or have fallen in love with him. this has got nothing to do with him at all hahaha.

dong came over early in the morning (by his standards) to have breakfast with me cause i said i'd make him brekky. lol. tsk. this kind gotta bribe luh, otherwise i'll only ever get to have lunch and dinner with him.



*by the way, i spelt phileo as philia cause that's how wiki spelt it. well, at least i pronounced it right!

rainy days

it was raining as i left the library last night.
i got to share my umbrella with a random stranger who is no longer a random stranger because we made friends (haha. i still use the child-y i wouldn't say childish idea of making friends!)
he was walking so fast in front of me i had to run to catch up with him to offer my umbrella. he so happened to stay where i do so it was all good :D

i think it's things like that that make me like rainy days. people are less self-conscious and they don't mind their personal bubble being popped.

i remember a rainy day in singpore 2 years ago. i shared my umbrella with this old man who was really amused/happy that someone actually approached him. after dropping him off i shared my umbrella with this lady who ended up asking me questions about anglican high becuase she wanted to send her son there. lol. :)

rainy days are not all good though. sometimes it reveals insecurities, oblivion and selfishness. was there ever a time you stood at the traffic light in the rain while waiting for the red man to turn green and nobody around you who had an umbrella offered to give you temporary shelter while you stood there in the rain just right beside them?

nostalgia?

remember when i was 12 and i was at a camp with Y. and i had a crush on J. and A tried to find out who i liked and was doing a bit of gossipping and it upset me. J found out and told A off. A got upset and made me look really bad in front of Y who became really mean to me even though she was supposed to be my bestfriend.

i still see Y around. not so much of A, and not at all of J.

i wonder what it'd be like to be 12 again. or 13. when boys first learnt to go after girls and not run away from them. aahahahaha! kidding.

i reckon the most interesting part of puberty is when girls and boys start noticing each other. (haha it's definitely not the bloody stuff).

we were talking about love in cellgroup last friday. jon lee pointed out the difference between philia and agape - philia being the non-romantic love and agape being the self-sacrificial unconditional love. and i learnt that even though you may not have butterflies in your tummy, or necessarily FEEL any feelings of love towards someone, it doesn't mean you don't love him/her. similarly, you don't call a crush, love. love is such a wide, vast indescribable concept/thingumajig that's not easy to define or understand. what is it that keeps married couples together even though he doesn't buy her anymore flowers, and she doesn't give him as much attention? what is it about boy-girl relationships that make certain single people desire a partner? what does loving people mean?

40 hour famine

i'm in the middle of my 40 hour famine solid food fast.
after taking Food for a Healthy Planet last semester and learning about how there is so much unequal distribution of wealth, i decided that i should do something to support the Global Food Crisis.

i like to draw this comparison.
with$5AUD
i can buy 2 sushis,
or 2 boxes of discounted tiny teddies
or a full day tram ticket
or i can use it to feed one kid for 2 whole weeks.

by keeping that $5, i'd be saying that "my need for 2 boxes of tidbits is more important that feeding this kid for 2 weeks"

while we can spend $8 on a movie, we hang on so tightly to our money when it comes to feeding the people who need the money most. i'm guilty of this as well. i know i can be very stingy with my money, but we all try, don't we.

i know people can be skeptical about how much goes to the poor and how much is retained in world vision to help run the organisation. click the link below to view their annual reports.

http://www.worldvision.com.au/AboutUs/CorporateGovernance/AnnualReports.aspx

one thing i learnt from a friend was that even though not all the money goes to the people who need it, you do as much as you can.

most international students from singapore or malaysia or indonesia (from the region i'm more familiar with) who study here definitely have spare change somewhere in their pockets. many of us have that money to buy that sweater that on sale for $10, or that $4 scarf (haha that's me), so why not, make a tiny sacrifice and help someone out?

to chip in, email me at elisaandhergreens@gmail.com
online donations are available.

night light

Let there be lights in the dome of the heavens..

to provide light upon the earth,

to rule the day and the night,

to separate the light from the darkness.

i looked out the window when i woke up at 5 plus in the morning and saw the moon hanging so low. i thought it was really pretty with the star above it :)

hopping

i used to have a much busier social life in secondary school as compared to now.

mm, no, that's not really true. i reckon i seemed busier only because i never really took time out so often to reflect and think about things. everything just went at a really fast pace, and i never really found the time to stop. i remember someone telling me that i was always everywhere and doing so many tings at once. (not school work). pausing comes with growing up i suppose. either that or it comes with the melbourne lifestyle.

i realise that the people im less likely to talk to are the ones who are like what i used to be like. those who come across as people who go through life quickly, have a huge social circle (not that mine was huge), and are constantly running from one place to another.

i also find it difficult to talk to jumpy-chatty people, because when they're jumpy-chatty, i naturally tend to be the complete opposite and.. don't talk or move much. hahahaha. balance. it's kinda like how when im grumpy or tired, dong will somehow automatically be more bubbly and energetic.

i wrote down a list of places i wanna go with mummy when she comes to visit next month. woohoo! grr, that also means i need to be consistent with my work. which reminds me, i have a macroecons test (5%) and a business law MCQ test next week. and i gotta work on my ata AND bpa assignments. how nice.

and this is my bestfriend who loves me a lot and we have the best long-distance relationship ever (she gives a thumbs-up in agreement).

I LOVE YOU CHINGUMAJIGAMS!

short walks in the icy cold

just got back from a the david finch lecture at the spot. Howard Davies, director of LSE was speaking, and the lecture theatre was so packed that there were a fair number of people left standing at the back and sitting on the steps. it was a pity i didn't really understand the bulk of what howard was saying though - it's at way too high a level for a student who's only done 2 and a half weeks of introductory macroeconomics.

having said that, i don't regret going for it because i had pretty good conversations with the friend i went with on the way to the new economics & commerce building, and back. we started from talking about the countries we've visited, and when he said he'd been to the middle east we began talking about the haji and other things he does as a muslim. it was very interesting :D he was surprised that i knew about abraham and ishmael (who are in both the muslim hadith -i think- and the christian bible) and he asked me about christianity. it was rreeeaaalllyyyy interesting. i reckon we have a lot in common. our conversation got cut short though, because we'd reached college square. owell.

from the devotion

psalm 143
O Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy,
in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.
Do no bring your servant into judgement,
for no one living is righteous before you.
the enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkenss like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me,
my heart within me is dismayed.
i remember the days of long ago;
i meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.
i spread out my hands to you'
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
answer me quickly O Lord;
my spirit faints with longing.
Do not hide your face from me or i will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,for i have put my trust in you.
Show me the way i should go,
forto you i lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, L Lord,
for i hide myself in You.
Teach me todo your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground
For your name's sake, O lord,
preserve my life' in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies, destroy all my does,
for i am your servant.

a psalm of David.

my sunny weekend

i woke up late but still rather tired on saturday and headed to aimee's place in the arvo. she'd invited me for a square dance party her family and friends were holding at a school hall near berwick. her dad turned 49 together with 5 other people so they decided to hold a square party because 7squared give 49. there was lotsa square food, and food on square plates, and we all learnt square dancing which was pretty fun stuff. i was the only asian there for most of the night, but this other asian family popped in for a bit. i think all or most of them live in the countryside, which is why there are not many asians at all. oh i met a french girl by the name of clemos who's here on exchange. :D

anyway we got back to aimee's close to midnight (or was it slighly past?) and we were quite tired out. i didn't get to see very much of mr and mrs matthews though because they'd stayed on at the hall to help clean up. and i left really early this morning hoping to make it to church - which i did. :)

eh heh heh, kyle and i went off to do some shopping after church and i got a 2nd hand scarf for $4. yay. kyle picked it. he's one of the rare guys whos taste i trust more than mine. actually, i don't trust my own fashion taste very much. buuut.. on most days im too lazy to thrown on anything prettier than jeans and a t-shirt anyway.

anyway, here are pictures from dinner with the ex housemates at taco bill. the bill came up to almost $90 for just the 4 of us but ze had some coupons which slashed it by half. so that was good stuff. we finished our mexican mains with a mexican sticky date pudding, a tequila sunrise and a sangria.

mm ok dont feel like typing anymore words. i wanna look at pretty pictures.

what is it like?

"how do you know when you like someone?"
"you know you like someone when you know him, and you want to see him be the best he can be."

leaders

actually, if i were given a choice, i'd go for LTC (ocf leadership training course).
(we were talking about ltc in our cell this evening)
i had said that i wouldnt like to because ltc's for older people and i don't wanna grow up.
probably said that in defense because yongshen kept saying that i looked super eager to go for ltc. im not eager, much less super eager. it was awkward. i definitely don't see ltc as a "chance to shine" as ys suggested. in fact, i think that's not a very good perspective to have. makes it sound like a competition.

to me, being a leader in a group project, or a school team, or a society is really different from being a leader in a ministry, or a cellgroup. i may have certain leadership skills, and that may make me not a bad leader of the first type, but to be a type 2 leader requires so much more than just that. i reckon the committment level is a lot higher, and it takes a lot more discipline. so much more patience, so much more everything. i've come to realise that to be a good cgl is not easy at all.

and i agree with what someone said about how we as a body can be really unforgiving, especially towards leaders. yongshen posed us a question: if your pastor is so anointed that every week, there are a thousand people who come to Christ, but at the same time, he embezzels money, what would you do?

love his thought-provoking questions.




anyway, this afternoon, i had one of the worst tutorials ever. notice i said worst tutorial, not worst tutor. the tutor's a nice dude and probably very smart and all, but his Chinese accent made it extremely difficult for me to catch and comprehend what he was saying. it's not his fault, and i don't blame him. and if someone mocked him for his accent i wouldn't be amused at all. the whole tutorial was really frustrating though. there i was trying to pick up the words the tutor was saying and this guy beside me was asking me random questions(really distracting) -- i just shut down completely.

thankfully i managed to swap outta that tute.
but better not speak too soon because i still have yet to find out who the tutor of my new tutorial is.

my favourite chocolate

yum it's 3am and im eating my favourite chocolate
i finally logged onto msn after so many months.

growing up's a scary thing, no?

maybe that's why some people do double degrees
or masters
or honours

not really because they wanna get a better job, but because they don't wanna grow up so soon.

i got paired up with this guy - wee keng - for my accounting assignments. he from the same cohort as milk and hadi. small world ey?

humans

humans are complicated things.

to say that i was mood swingy today's not quite it.
i was probably more cautious and perhaps over-sensitive to both body language and tonality.
which is really bad, because i end up coming across as either clingy, or distant and hostile, and then i end up feeling bad for being clingy or distant or hostile.

i'm wondering if it's a hormonal problem. i should be more alert the start of next month and draw my conclusion from there.

that aside, i had an interesting dinner tonight. i can't decide if it was good or bad.


i cooked.


(hey don't jump to the conclusion that it's bad yet!)
i actually think it would have tasted a fair bit better if i'd put less pepper.. and maybe a little less salt in the chicken. cause it kinda felt like i was just eating chicken-textured pepper. oh but guess what, i paired my chicken-with-pepper-vinegar-garlic-salt-and-chilli-with-rice dinner with a sweet, cold apple. so for every mouthful of chicken and rice i took, i took a bite into the granny smith.

eh! not bad ok. though it DOES sound quite gross. urgh.


i popped by the international careers fair thingum today. i didn't really wanna be there because i didn't know what to ask, or what to look out for. totally lost. besides, i'm only in my first year.

ok, to be honest, those probably aren't the main reasons why.

hebrews in egypt

tim brought up this point today - that just like how the hebrews worked so hard as slaves to the eqyptian system in exodus 1, we work hard as slaves in this system of creating our own empires. the hebrew slaves were fed by the egyptians, we are satisfied by our material comforts.



we define success as achieving our goals. "oh yes! i reached my goal! i succeeded!"



and now i ask myself, if my goal is to obey God, then success is definitely in my hands because the ball's in my court. would i find satisfaction in obeying God? i would reckon so. whereas if my goal is to raise good children, i wouldn't know if i would succeed or not. if my goal is to study hard and do my best, i would be able to succeed, but i may not be satisfied.



actually, many people are happy to just earn an average income and live an average life. you can buy almost anything you want (you don't ask for very much, maybe an i-phone and possibly a 42inch plasma tv).



i think right now i'm in that middle class bracket where i live comfortably, though not extravagantly. i just dont want to be here the rest of my life. i wanna be out there in the world, bringing more meaning to things.



gah. this all sounds so "out there" and "blurry" with no solid plans or the slightest hint of practicality at all. what's obeying God? what's bringing meaning to things?



well, at least i know what i don't want. i'll figure out what i want along the way.



i definitely wanna bring meaning into studying my debits and credits, or math, or geography etc. otherwise it'd just be me competing with a bunch of other people for a top grade, or a scholarship. then i'll do someting else and find myself in another race to the top end of the bell curve so that i can get to the top firms. and all this may not even mean anything to me at the end of the day, cept for the fact that i may then be able to afford a car, then a house, then a suround sound then a cellar full of wine then a walk in wardrobe etc.



(and all this while there are other people in our country who struggle to give their children enough pocket money, or who have not enough to wear in winter..)



society never used to be like this, right? the rich who owned plantations and had workers would tell their workers not to collect ever single bit of grain, not to go through the fields a second time, but to leave whatever they may have left out for the needy to glean so that the poor would too be fed. i think it's mentioned somewhere in deuteronomy. (i learnt about it on thursday when we read the book of ruth)

bruises and cheesecake

woke up with a dilemma.
spend the morning studying?
or join the ocfers for soccer?

after deliberating for the longest time in the shower and over a cup of milo, i decided to head to the hockey pitch for soccer because i wanted fresh air and exercise.
i ended up being the only girl there (and oj specifically said that it wasn't gonna be a guy thing!!)
i remember my msn nickname when i was 14 read "i can't kick balls for nuts"
and i really can't. i much prefer basketball, although im not very good at it either.
so anyway, i came home with bruises on my feet from trying to get the ball from this guy who was wearing studs. haha ouch.

i realise that yongshen brings out the secondary-school-girl in me. i used to be a lot more chorloh, and.. "fierce"? brr.. it's so weird. hanging out with him is like hanging out with one of the 2c guys. such a joker.

i didn't do very much from then till the evening when yongshen and i went to get a birthday cake for daniel.

daniel's dinner at sophia's was pretty good. it was 42 bucks for the 8 of us. the portions were so huge we had to cancel our last plate of pasta. we had a good time kicking back i suppose. i hope this cell can be like a home for both jack and daniel, just like how last year's cg was like a family for me. when i was new to melbourne :)

bleagh. had waayy too much cheesecake. i couldnt stop myself from jogging 20min on the threadmill.