quantify it

Things A Certain Funny Guy said that i found incredibly amusing.

"You're a pretty pink and poisonous millipede"
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"I look like i have very big lungs?? ... are you trying to reference my tehteh?"
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Me: What's wrong?
ACFG: I'm just imagining unicorns exploding out of his ass right now


i think i didn't feel like crap as much as i felt offended. yes. that's the word to describe it. not self pity or self depreciation, but i just felt offended. i suppose i have liberty to write what i want here since i've kept this blog rather low profile. 

i took offense at how he pretended i wasn't in the room as he did a head count of people. and how even though i was there he refused to ask me along for dessert. not that i wanted dessert. perhaps that was too high an expectation for someone like him. i dont know what point he and otherboy were trying to make the entire night. as we were all walking back to the car after dessert i caught myself wondering if i would still hold on to these relationships if not for el and jo. i dont think i would. i'm over-valuing these friendships. if el were to focus on another group of people, i think i wouldn't care very much about them. (this could be the cynical me speaking). all these by proxy relationships. giving me so much shit. excuse the attitude and the language. herein lies my not-so-secret secret. that i can be weak and unloving. i guess everyone's weak and unloving to varying degrees. but all this talk about being people-focused at Toastbar and building homes.. well i have days where i feel like a hypocrite. then i remember that i'm still learning to live the vision. 


i'm stil trying to quantify how much i value having a group of people to settle in with. weigh it up against being away from the people you love back in singapore. fuck this small-minded thinking with you wanting to curl up like a pretty pink and poisonous millipede and be comfortable. step up. step out. get your game up. you havent given up your one year to belong to an exclusive group of people who cook nice food together. this is like a slap in your face. wake up.

pretending that nothing's wrong is hard. and i dont know why i'm doing it. i think i'm pretending in hope that they will respond like normal. and if they dont, maybe there's no point in pretending. it'll be so much easier if something just exploded right, so we'll all have to confront each other.

anyway, after that tiring dessert i went down to attempt chords on keys again.

heng khuen joined me with his guitar. it's been lovely to just be able to access a piano so easily. charles came along, thenleon joined in. and we just had a good time singing playing and chillin. that took my mind off  people for a bit. :)

oh el josh, kenvern  and joseph were catering for an ACS family reuinion at chaps today. juan and i ate the leftover curry chicken and rice.  good stuff. working in toastbar.. lotsa food to keep yourself going!